RE: The Apartment Sitter

Our great friend Retro was gracious enough to apartment and dog-sit for us for a couple of days while Doug and I were out of town to attend the funeral of my dear aunt. He filed this report via Macbook Air, which provided some much-needed laugh. Enjoy:

APARTMENT-SITTING REPORT 24 JUNE 09
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ENTRY 1:
I cannot find the hot tub that I was promised. I am gravely disappointed.

ENTRY 2:
I am watching the season finale of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" I don't recognize half the cast, and I thought the other half was already dead.

ENTRY 3:
I have an idea for a reality show: we take a group of overweight actors that were famous in the 1970s-'80s, spend six weeks training them to be assassins, and then each week after that the challenge is to kill off the cast of other network reality shows. It will be sponsored by Jell-O.

ENTRY 4:
I have another idea for a reality show: we take the Baldwin Brothers and train them to be assassins, and then each week the challenge is to kill off a Baldwin Brother. The winner receives the thanks of a grateful nation.

ENTRY 5:
Sadie is showing virtually no interest in my television pitches.

ENTRY 6:
I had to turn off "America's Got Talent" because it reminds me too much of childhood shame and remorse, like that time I dressed up like a dominatrix robot and tried to break dance in front of a crowd of thousands. That was the worst day of kindergarten ever.


ENTRY 7:
Later, a similar event was the best first date in the history of mankind.

ENTRY 8:
I tried watching "The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer" on Chiller. It's about a woman in a house that's haunted by ghosts of people her crazy tycoon husband has killed. I think. They may actually just be Mennonites.

ENTRY 9:
In hindsight, Entry 8 may contain spoilers.

ENTRY 10:
In a strange, postmodern way, Entry 9 may also contain spoilers.

ENTRY 11:
Hey, "Ghost Hunters" is on! A show about plumbers and their search for a lightswitch. Maybe next season they can hire some electricians.



APARTMENT-SITTING REPORT 25 JUNE 09
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ENTRY 1:
Sadie and I went outside to pee and poop. Later it will be her turn.



ENTRY 2:
Made coffee. Still cannot find where you keep the donuts. BUT I CAN SMELL THEM

ENTRY 3:
When I got back from work, I found that Sadie had escaped from the cage. To my surprise, she'd spent the day alphabetizing your clothes by weight. It was, to say the least, impressive.

ENTRY 4:
Sadie and I watched the documentary about the haunting in Connecticut. There was a surprise twist towards the end that made it about Michael Jackson. We did not see it coming.

ENTRY 5:
To salute the late King of Pop, I set my hair on fire and had a Pepsi. Sadie did not participate, even when I poured Pepsi over her food to "theme it up a little." My hand to God, I have never seen such hatred shoot forth from a canine's eyes.

ENTRY 6:
Sadie is terrible at poker. I do not know why she insists on playing.

ENTRY 7:
Five aces Sadie this is such bullshit

ENTRY 8:
When you two return, you may notice that one of your umbrellas is missing. When you realize what happened, it will be hilarious.


ENTRY 9:
Okay, ten-thirty and NOW she wants to play.

ENTRY 10:
Dammit Sadie there is no such thing as a triple royal flush



APARTMENT-SITTING REPORT 25 JUNE 09
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ENTRY 1:
I will miss this coffee.

ENTRY 2:
I will miss Chiller.

ADDENDUM:
Sadie owes me $1,500 and her car.