Re: Cry at the Bus Stop, and the Universe May Listen

Ha. Please don't worry. I actually laughed out loud when that post title occurred to me.

Which goes to show, that with a little bit of a sense of humor and a splash of optimism and maybe just a little bit of intolerance for self-pity, you can turn shit around. Or at least think a lot about turning shit around and be stupidly optimistic about it the night before putting your plan into action!

Some of you lucky enough to be my Facebook friend or a Twitter follower (or both) may have noticed my ominous "Life fail" update this morning. Some of you were sweet enough to make sure I was OK. Thank you.

Here's the deal: the past few weeks - probably since my bout with the black plague a few weeks ago which left me with a racking cough for two straight weeks (and in bed for 6 days!), I haven't been running. I have been a total roller coaster when it comes to my food choices. I have been late for work 70% of the time. These are all things I've struggled with one at a time or so at various times, but right now, I'm wallowing in all of these bad choices, which I realized in a moment of weakness this morning (when I was choking back tears while waiting for my B61 bus and watching two B43 buses drive by instead). I realized that I've been really hard on myself and feeling quite depressed - I have literally felt like a failure almost every day for the past 3 weeks before I've even left my apartment for work. Feeling like you've failed once in a while is never fun. Starting off this way every day for a stint of time is downright bleak.

And to make things more unbearable, I've been incredibly, uncharacteristically disorganized. Don't get me wrong, everyone who knows me, I realize I have a tendency to be scatterbrained (a characteristic in myself that I LOATHE), but this is different. I feel literally bewildered. I've lost keys, insurance cards, and checkbooks. I can't remember doctor appointments, plans I've made with friends, what I'm supposed to be focusing on at work during the day, phone calls I'm supposed to return, and so on. It has left me feeling incredibly disoriented.

So, at times like this I think about my past...I've overcome much more difficult things with much more bounce in my step. So what, exactly, is my damage right now? And I've thought and I've thought, and my realization boils down to one ugly word: GUILT.

I am not someone motivated by guilt. Maybe it's because I had a father who was a bit of a mastermind when it came to guilt trips, and part of my brain is still rebelling against that. All I know, is when I feel guilty about something I should or shouldn't be doing, instead of just getting it done already, I avoid it completely. Then the guilt wins, because the things I'm doing wrong or not doing at all grow and build and weigh me down completely. So, step 1 is, I have to find a way to let go of my guilt. I have to remember that every day is a new start and a chance to be better than I was the day before. I have to remember that yesterday is yesterday, and that focusing on today and tomorrow will do a lot more for me than stewing over yesterday ever could.

But let's be honest, I'm still feeling a little bit timid. I've been invited to swim on Wednesday evenings with my friends Jeannie and Deb at the Chinatown Y. I dragged my ass for months out of reluctance to buy a new bathing suit that contains my current, um, bodaciousness...but I finally broke down and did it (an UGLY one on sale - motivation for it to be too big for me soon, and really, because I'm cheap) - and then I also purchased some inexpensive goggles and a swim cap. I've committed that much financially, so next week, I'm going. And to be honest, I'm very much looking forward to seeing my friends, if nothing else. (I know I'm not looking forward to how I'm going to look in my larger-than-usual, neon-swirled one piece with goggles and a bright blue swim cap. But really, Jeannie and Deb, you're going to love it. Throw on a pair of water wings, and I think I'd look six years old...but bigger.)

I started wondering how much the Y costs, since there's one literally 2 blocks from my apartment. I walk further to buy groceries, to catch the bus or subway, and I do those things on a daily/weekly basis. I also have a huge fear of spending money right now because a)Doug and I just spent a lot of money on a vacation in Mexico for our anniversary in September which all but drained our savings account and b) the last gym we paid for (for me - Doug doesn't "do" exercise) was a waste because I was too intimidated to keep going. So I did a little research and sent some emails to a couple of local bloggers who seem to know a lot about a lot, and as a result, got some great encouragement from one AND a free 7-day pass from the other one [not linking so no one reads this and tries to beg for freebies]. Generosity and kindness, on the other hand, motivate me far more than guilt. (Which I'm pretty sure is a good thing about being me!)

And at this moment, I realized some fortuitous, unexpected things came to me in the past couple of days, and I have to realize that had I not been at least partially proactive in seeking out a way out of my rut, I would have missed or not appreciated that the universe and some great people in it were offering me a little lift.

So, still feeling wary, I stopped at the Greenpoint Y after work and claimed my pass and even got a friendly tour of the facilities. I'm amazed by how much they offer for half of the cost of a membership at New York Sports Club. (And may I say, that this evening, at "busy time" there were cardio machines that were not occupied?? Bliss.)

I left feeling energized and motivated, and I really want to get to bed early tonight and get an early start on trying out the Y tomorrow morning. I think I'll try to get there for just a little taste of cardio, and maybe I'll try out Punk Rope after work since Jeannie had to postpone our first swim session. There are so many classes at completely feasible times of the evening that I'm looking forward to trying.

Then, back to that whole scatterbrained mess thing, I fired up my little Macbook Air and stumbled upon a fabulous Bitch Cakes blog entry about grocery lists, which via tagging led me back to one I read a while back about email organization. And this is a biggie for me - wading through my inbox at work has been a HUGE hindrance to my productivity lately. So I'm going to be trying to get some of my work life in order tomorrow, too. Which will feel good. Like Bitch Cakes, I used to absolutely pride myself on my pristine email box, and I know I will again soon.

And from there, well, we'll just see. I think the important thing is not that I get it all perfect right away, but that I'm moving in the right direction and tackling something almost every day and not beating myself up so much. And for goodness sakes, NOT crying at the friggin' bus stop tomorrow morning!

RE: Sharing

As I sit on my luxurious bed with my laptop and my neurotic dog, I am reflecting on a day that went 95% well. 5% of that was me being an hour late to work (so not cool), and this time it wasn't even the fault of the V train. It was the fault of me, my snooze button habit, and pure, unadulterated laziness.

The rest of the day went pretty well, though. I had a pretty productive day at work, once I finally got there. I had pleasant exchanges with co-workers. I got excited about a co-worker's comedy show and convinced some friends to come out with me on Saturday. I had a pretty good meeting with my nutritionist (lost 2.5 lbs in the past 2 weeks despite MANY nights out eating and drinking), and got some good feedback and advice to help keep me on the right track for the next couple of weeks. I then had a lovely dinner with Ashley, and I came home feeling happy and wanting to share.

Which reminds me of one of my original intents when I started this blog: "an opportunity to learn about my experience and share those learnings with others".

I think I've been a little too focused lately on the things I'm not doing right and the things I haven't accomplished. While there is some value to documenting things I aspire to, I also need to learn to spend more time focusing on the days like today, that are pretty OK, and thinking about what things made my day pretty OK, and what I contributed to that day's success. So that's what I learned today, and it feels great to put it out there.

Speaking of learning and sharing, indulge me while I gush for a hot minute. I discovered three pretty rad blogs last night, all written by one wise, super-cool and stylish mamacita from the very same neighborhood I call home. Here are some things from what I have decided to call The Tao of Bitch Cakes that I read last night and that stuck with me through the day today. Enjoy:

On motivation:

I remind myself that: This is it - I have one life. (Think about that, even if you're afraid to. You're here now, make the most of it!) How do I choose to spend it? Eating whatever and whenever I want but suffering by being fat, miserable and unhappy all the time?
I remind myself that: I wasted the most of 3 decades being very overweight, insecure and unhappy. That was such a waste of time!
I remind myself that: There are people who for whatever reason cannot walk, run, jump and play. They have no choice in that matter. But I am lucky enough to have a working body and I am going to use it.
I remind myself that: My body is mine. I make every choice that pertains to it. I have one body and I want to treat it right so it treats me right! I am in total control of my actions and ultimately my success.
I remind myself that: Nothing is guaranteed in life. Every day is truly a gift - and any one of them could very well be my last. I want to feel good about myself for the brief time I am part of this world.

So, my mental attitude - the way I think about things - has probably been the biggest and most important change, and is what helps to keep me motivated.

...So despite the fact that I occasionally revert to old habits I'm working to rid myself of, or make some not so stellar choices from time to time, I will never give up. Yes, there will be some bumps in the road. But I accept that. There is just no way I am trading my awesome new life for my crappy old one.

On style:

...you should always feel good about how you look when you leave your house - whether you're going to work, on a date, or just do do errands. I live this way, so I know it's true. But if you need more convincing, here are several reasons:

1. When you look good, you feel good.
2. Knowing you look good improves your mood and outlook.
3. You never know what that day has in store for you or who you might meet, or run into.
4. Looking good gives you a sense of confidence and self assurance.
5. And finally, seriously, why wouldn't you want to look good?