RE: The Apartment Sitter

Our great friend Retro was gracious enough to apartment and dog-sit for us for a couple of days while Doug and I were out of town to attend the funeral of my dear aunt. He filed this report via Macbook Air, which provided some much-needed laugh. Enjoy:

APARTMENT-SITTING REPORT 24 JUNE 09
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ENTRY 1:
I cannot find the hot tub that I was promised. I am gravely disappointed.

ENTRY 2:
I am watching the season finale of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" I don't recognize half the cast, and I thought the other half was already dead.

ENTRY 3:
I have an idea for a reality show: we take a group of overweight actors that were famous in the 1970s-'80s, spend six weeks training them to be assassins, and then each week after that the challenge is to kill off the cast of other network reality shows. It will be sponsored by Jell-O.

ENTRY 4:
I have another idea for a reality show: we take the Baldwin Brothers and train them to be assassins, and then each week the challenge is to kill off a Baldwin Brother. The winner receives the thanks of a grateful nation.

ENTRY 5:
Sadie is showing virtually no interest in my television pitches.

ENTRY 6:
I had to turn off "America's Got Talent" because it reminds me too much of childhood shame and remorse, like that time I dressed up like a dominatrix robot and tried to break dance in front of a crowd of thousands. That was the worst day of kindergarten ever.


ENTRY 7:
Later, a similar event was the best first date in the history of mankind.

ENTRY 8:
I tried watching "The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer" on Chiller. It's about a woman in a house that's haunted by ghosts of people her crazy tycoon husband has killed. I think. They may actually just be Mennonites.

ENTRY 9:
In hindsight, Entry 8 may contain spoilers.

ENTRY 10:
In a strange, postmodern way, Entry 9 may also contain spoilers.

ENTRY 11:
Hey, "Ghost Hunters" is on! A show about plumbers and their search for a lightswitch. Maybe next season they can hire some electricians.



APARTMENT-SITTING REPORT 25 JUNE 09
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ENTRY 1:
Sadie and I went outside to pee and poop. Later it will be her turn.



ENTRY 2:
Made coffee. Still cannot find where you keep the donuts. BUT I CAN SMELL THEM

ENTRY 3:
When I got back from work, I found that Sadie had escaped from the cage. To my surprise, she'd spent the day alphabetizing your clothes by weight. It was, to say the least, impressive.

ENTRY 4:
Sadie and I watched the documentary about the haunting in Connecticut. There was a surprise twist towards the end that made it about Michael Jackson. We did not see it coming.

ENTRY 5:
To salute the late King of Pop, I set my hair on fire and had a Pepsi. Sadie did not participate, even when I poured Pepsi over her food to "theme it up a little." My hand to God, I have never seen such hatred shoot forth from a canine's eyes.

ENTRY 6:
Sadie is terrible at poker. I do not know why she insists on playing.

ENTRY 7:
Five aces Sadie this is such bullshit

ENTRY 8:
When you two return, you may notice that one of your umbrellas is missing. When you realize what happened, it will be hilarious.


ENTRY 9:
Okay, ten-thirty and NOW she wants to play.

ENTRY 10:
Dammit Sadie there is no such thing as a triple royal flush



APARTMENT-SITTING REPORT 25 JUNE 09
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ENTRY 1:
I will miss this coffee.

ENTRY 2:
I will miss Chiller.

ADDENDUM:
Sadie owes me $1,500 and her car.

RE: Sharing

As I sit on my luxurious bed with my laptop and my neurotic dog, I am reflecting on a day that went 95% well. 5% of that was me being an hour late to work (so not cool), and this time it wasn't even the fault of the V train. It was the fault of me, my snooze button habit, and pure, unadulterated laziness.

The rest of the day went pretty well, though. I had a pretty productive day at work, once I finally got there. I had pleasant exchanges with co-workers. I got excited about a co-worker's comedy show and convinced some friends to come out with me on Saturday. I had a pretty good meeting with my nutritionist (lost 2.5 lbs in the past 2 weeks despite MANY nights out eating and drinking), and got some good feedback and advice to help keep me on the right track for the next couple of weeks. I then had a lovely dinner with Ashley, and I came home feeling happy and wanting to share.

Which reminds me of one of my original intents when I started this blog: "an opportunity to learn about my experience and share those learnings with others".

I think I've been a little too focused lately on the things I'm not doing right and the things I haven't accomplished. While there is some value to documenting things I aspire to, I also need to learn to spend more time focusing on the days like today, that are pretty OK, and thinking about what things made my day pretty OK, and what I contributed to that day's success. So that's what I learned today, and it feels great to put it out there.

Speaking of learning and sharing, indulge me while I gush for a hot minute. I discovered three pretty rad blogs last night, all written by one wise, super-cool and stylish mamacita from the very same neighborhood I call home. Here are some things from what I have decided to call The Tao of Bitch Cakes that I read last night and that stuck with me through the day today. Enjoy:

On motivation:

I remind myself that: This is it - I have one life. (Think about that, even if you're afraid to. You're here now, make the most of it!) How do I choose to spend it? Eating whatever and whenever I want but suffering by being fat, miserable and unhappy all the time?
I remind myself that: I wasted the most of 3 decades being very overweight, insecure and unhappy. That was such a waste of time!
I remind myself that: There are people who for whatever reason cannot walk, run, jump and play. They have no choice in that matter. But I am lucky enough to have a working body and I am going to use it.
I remind myself that: My body is mine. I make every choice that pertains to it. I have one body and I want to treat it right so it treats me right! I am in total control of my actions and ultimately my success.
I remind myself that: Nothing is guaranteed in life. Every day is truly a gift - and any one of them could very well be my last. I want to feel good about myself for the brief time I am part of this world.

So, my mental attitude - the way I think about things - has probably been the biggest and most important change, and is what helps to keep me motivated.

...So despite the fact that I occasionally revert to old habits I'm working to rid myself of, or make some not so stellar choices from time to time, I will never give up. Yes, there will be some bumps in the road. But I accept that. There is just no way I am trading my awesome new life for my crappy old one.

On style:

...you should always feel good about how you look when you leave your house - whether you're going to work, on a date, or just do do errands. I live this way, so I know it's true. But if you need more convincing, here are several reasons:

1. When you look good, you feel good.
2. Knowing you look good improves your mood and outlook.
3. You never know what that day has in store for you or who you might meet, or run into.
4. Looking good gives you a sense of confidence and self assurance.
5. And finally, seriously, why wouldn't you want to look good?

RE: No Pity

I must thank one of my friends for reminding me that Facebook is not the only way to waste downtime at work. Lest we forget, TelevisionWithoutPity is here to save our never-ending days!

I sort of ditched my good e-friend TWOP when The OC went off the air. For shame! Now they have a "Movies Without Pity" section, which serves up delectably bitchy dribble about actors and movie projects. Reading just one recap of The City confirmed my suspicion that the show is even more loathsome and boring than I could have imagined, the Lost recaps help me fill in the blanks from those moments of turning to my husband and saying "WTF just happened?", and of course the classic teen drama recaps are what we should all be going there for on a regular fracking basis.

Lady Lola's recaps of 90210 held my attention well enough that I briefly considered lifting my DVR embargo of the craptacular revival, but I think I'll stick to reading about it instead for now. And Jacob's recaps of Gossip Girl, a show I can't stop loving to hate, are just delicious, hilarious and brilliant. My undying TWOP love is rekindled.