RE: Giving back to myself

Well, hello there, dear reader (I'm probably being optimistic by thinking there's even one at this point).

I'm having an introspective moment. I've been MIA here, which I think is representative of what I've been working on since June or so. I've recently started reading a blog called Get Rich Slowly, and one of the keys to financial growth discussed there is "paying yourself first". Paying yourself first means considering saving to be as much of a priority (or more, if you have to) than your other monthly bills. Don't save whatever is left at the end of the month, but pay yourself first, and don't consider it optional. Make yourself as important as your other obligations, in other words.

This struck a chord with me. Although financially it makes a lot of sense, I thought I needed to pay myself first in time. And it's not easy, because many of you know I'm a very social person and I love spending time with my friends. But it always catches up with me later because I'm much better at saying "I'd love to" than saying "sorry, I can't make it." Hopefully, if you are a friend of mine and you're reading this you understand that this isn't a function of me wanting to see any of you less, but rather of wanting to be good to myself more, and unfortunately, time is finite.

I've been trying really hard recently to make time for myself, or at the very least, for the things I really want to spend my time on. Seeing friends when I am really up to it, and making time for myself and other pursuits more often than I usually do. Including sometimes when all I really want to do is sleep in, read a book, or stare into space.

This actually did start as a result of a financial need. After crunching some numbers and realizing that our monthly budget was very strained because of some recent family events, I made it a goal to not go out to dinner/ drinks after work at all during the month of September. Usually, I do this a two to four nights a week, so this was a kind of social fast for me.

I did pretty well with my goal - I only went out twice after work in all of September, and I have to say I was really happy with it. I didn't put much money into savings, as I had hoped, but I was able to save enough to get my husband a nice gift for his birthday and I also managed to stretch my personal spending allowance* between paychecks without any gaps where I literally had no personal funds left. This is rare for me.

One way I reached this goal was to think of creative ways to spend my time and connect with friends instead of making the usual plans. I bought a $40 3-session pilates package, (equal to or less than the cost of a typical night out for me). I held onto it and treated myself to a session when I found myself getting out of work on the early side with no responsibilities at home waiting for me. A few times, I met my friend who could get me into her YMCA with a guest pass and went swimming with her. From time to time, I took advantage of free community events. I trained for and ran the Tunnel to Towers 5K (without walking any of it!) at the end of September. A friend ran it with me, so I got to do something memorable with her, and I was able to set and meet a fitness goal, which was a big accomplishment for me.

So in the end, I got back more than money I needed to pay bills. It afforded me rare time home with my husband, and even rarer "me" time. I got more stuff done around home, got more rest, got more exercise, and got more quiet. I got to spend more time by myself than I remember in a long time. I truly enjoyed - no, needed - to do this for myself. It wass good for me to analyze the world from inside my own mind for a change, rather than always overhearing my life in conversations I have with other people.

I have a long way to go. I still find myself feeling stretched thin from time to time. But not on a daily basis, like I used to. Sometimes, I do feel that it's been a long time since I've seen some friends, and I regret that. I also have been putting in more hours at work lately, and I do have some health goals I haven't made much progress on, which I'd like to revisit. It's a tough balance for me to strike. I need to make more time to prepare meals and reduce my intake of unhealthy food. I haven't spent as much time at the gym as I'd like, and truly, my work schedule has been a huge obstacle to that, but I am hopeful it won't be now that a large project has been completed.

On the other hand, I should recognize some of the good things I've done for myself. It's October 23rd, and I realize I have continued to reserve more time for myself this month and to find less costly and more active ways to spend time with friends without even thinking about it. I have gone to the gym a couple of times (which is still infinitely more times than I exercised before August).

I have also made some time to do some volunteer work. I led a team that raised about $1,200 for breast cancer research and participated in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk in Prospect Park last weekend. I also recently joined the Friends of the Greenpoint Library group and I'm helping with a fundraising event for the library tomorrow. It's funny how soon after I started taking care of myself, I felt I now had enough time to do things for others. I don't just "have" more time - I made more time.

And the effect of all of this re-directed energy has been very uplifting. I usually feel very worn down by the pace of the city, the crowds, the garbage, the cost and quality of life, and the MTA. But I felt something while walking my dog tonight that I haven't remembered feeling in a while. "Life is good," I thought to myself. "I love this neighborhood. I love Autumn. I love the crisp air, the misty rain, and a quiet evening. I feel independent. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow." Simple things, but things I usually don't take time to appreciate. Unexpected dividends.

*My husband and I have a system where we each get a set amount of "our own" money from each paycheck deposited into personal checking accounts to spend on whatever - lunches out, bar nights, toys, whatever we want. That amount is the same every paycheck, regardless of any extra income either of us may get from overtime pay or miscellaneous windfalls. The rest of our money goes to joint accounts to pay bills, pay off debt, and build savings.

Re: Cry at the Bus Stop, and the Universe May Listen

Ha. Please don't worry. I actually laughed out loud when that post title occurred to me.

Which goes to show, that with a little bit of a sense of humor and a splash of optimism and maybe just a little bit of intolerance for self-pity, you can turn shit around. Or at least think a lot about turning shit around and be stupidly optimistic about it the night before putting your plan into action!

Some of you lucky enough to be my Facebook friend or a Twitter follower (or both) may have noticed my ominous "Life fail" update this morning. Some of you were sweet enough to make sure I was OK. Thank you.

Here's the deal: the past few weeks - probably since my bout with the black plague a few weeks ago which left me with a racking cough for two straight weeks (and in bed for 6 days!), I haven't been running. I have been a total roller coaster when it comes to my food choices. I have been late for work 70% of the time. These are all things I've struggled with one at a time or so at various times, but right now, I'm wallowing in all of these bad choices, which I realized in a moment of weakness this morning (when I was choking back tears while waiting for my B61 bus and watching two B43 buses drive by instead). I realized that I've been really hard on myself and feeling quite depressed - I have literally felt like a failure almost every day for the past 3 weeks before I've even left my apartment for work. Feeling like you've failed once in a while is never fun. Starting off this way every day for a stint of time is downright bleak.

And to make things more unbearable, I've been incredibly, uncharacteristically disorganized. Don't get me wrong, everyone who knows me, I realize I have a tendency to be scatterbrained (a characteristic in myself that I LOATHE), but this is different. I feel literally bewildered. I've lost keys, insurance cards, and checkbooks. I can't remember doctor appointments, plans I've made with friends, what I'm supposed to be focusing on at work during the day, phone calls I'm supposed to return, and so on. It has left me feeling incredibly disoriented.

So, at times like this I think about my past...I've overcome much more difficult things with much more bounce in my step. So what, exactly, is my damage right now? And I've thought and I've thought, and my realization boils down to one ugly word: GUILT.

I am not someone motivated by guilt. Maybe it's because I had a father who was a bit of a mastermind when it came to guilt trips, and part of my brain is still rebelling against that. All I know, is when I feel guilty about something I should or shouldn't be doing, instead of just getting it done already, I avoid it completely. Then the guilt wins, because the things I'm doing wrong or not doing at all grow and build and weigh me down completely. So, step 1 is, I have to find a way to let go of my guilt. I have to remember that every day is a new start and a chance to be better than I was the day before. I have to remember that yesterday is yesterday, and that focusing on today and tomorrow will do a lot more for me than stewing over yesterday ever could.

But let's be honest, I'm still feeling a little bit timid. I've been invited to swim on Wednesday evenings with my friends Jeannie and Deb at the Chinatown Y. I dragged my ass for months out of reluctance to buy a new bathing suit that contains my current, um, bodaciousness...but I finally broke down and did it (an UGLY one on sale - motivation for it to be too big for me soon, and really, because I'm cheap) - and then I also purchased some inexpensive goggles and a swim cap. I've committed that much financially, so next week, I'm going. And to be honest, I'm very much looking forward to seeing my friends, if nothing else. (I know I'm not looking forward to how I'm going to look in my larger-than-usual, neon-swirled one piece with goggles and a bright blue swim cap. But really, Jeannie and Deb, you're going to love it. Throw on a pair of water wings, and I think I'd look six years old...but bigger.)

I started wondering how much the Y costs, since there's one literally 2 blocks from my apartment. I walk further to buy groceries, to catch the bus or subway, and I do those things on a daily/weekly basis. I also have a huge fear of spending money right now because a)Doug and I just spent a lot of money on a vacation in Mexico for our anniversary in September which all but drained our savings account and b) the last gym we paid for (for me - Doug doesn't "do" exercise) was a waste because I was too intimidated to keep going. So I did a little research and sent some emails to a couple of local bloggers who seem to know a lot about a lot, and as a result, got some great encouragement from one AND a free 7-day pass from the other one [not linking so no one reads this and tries to beg for freebies]. Generosity and kindness, on the other hand, motivate me far more than guilt. (Which I'm pretty sure is a good thing about being me!)

And at this moment, I realized some fortuitous, unexpected things came to me in the past couple of days, and I have to realize that had I not been at least partially proactive in seeking out a way out of my rut, I would have missed or not appreciated that the universe and some great people in it were offering me a little lift.

So, still feeling wary, I stopped at the Greenpoint Y after work and claimed my pass and even got a friendly tour of the facilities. I'm amazed by how much they offer for half of the cost of a membership at New York Sports Club. (And may I say, that this evening, at "busy time" there were cardio machines that were not occupied?? Bliss.)

I left feeling energized and motivated, and I really want to get to bed early tonight and get an early start on trying out the Y tomorrow morning. I think I'll try to get there for just a little taste of cardio, and maybe I'll try out Punk Rope after work since Jeannie had to postpone our first swim session. There are so many classes at completely feasible times of the evening that I'm looking forward to trying.

Then, back to that whole scatterbrained mess thing, I fired up my little Macbook Air and stumbled upon a fabulous Bitch Cakes blog entry about grocery lists, which via tagging led me back to one I read a while back about email organization. And this is a biggie for me - wading through my inbox at work has been a HUGE hindrance to my productivity lately. So I'm going to be trying to get some of my work life in order tomorrow, too. Which will feel good. Like Bitch Cakes, I used to absolutely pride myself on my pristine email box, and I know I will again soon.

And from there, well, we'll just see. I think the important thing is not that I get it all perfect right away, but that I'm moving in the right direction and tackling something almost every day and not beating myself up so much. And for goodness sakes, NOT crying at the friggin' bus stop tomorrow morning!

Re: Turning It Off

Wow. I've reached an all-time low today with my job-related depression. You know it's really bad when you are actually looking forward to going to the dentist for a filling because it means you get to leave the office a little early.

The dentist went fine, by the way. If anyone has Aetna PPO dental insurance and needs a recommendation, just ask. I looooove my new dentist.

Anywho, work depression. On top of the widespread economic craptacularity the whole country is experiencing right now, I just happen to work for what the media has deemed possibly the most evil corporation in existence (I won't comment on my thoughts but my close friends can guess, I'm sure). So said evil company has to save a lot of money in the near future to make sure we don't look like we're wasting tax dollars.

A gigantic wave of layoffs (our company is calling this "de-selection") and re-structuring hit a department I interact with pretty hard recently, and my particular department is waiting with bated breath for our own re-org and leadership announcement in the next couple of weeks. The tension, anxiety, depression and apathy is pretty damn palpable around the industrially-carpeted hallways and cubicle paths I inhabit for about 50 hours a week. I don't interact with one professional at my office location that doesn't seem to have this in the back of their mind. The fear for our own jobs plus the external stress of the constant negative media barrage, plus having to interact and work with a bunch of other anxious and depressed folks is EXHAUSTING. And it's not just worrying about losing our jobs - but if we keep our jobs, how much more will they suck without some of the very capable and necessary teammates we are likely to lose?

At 8:45 PM this evening I had a cup of coffee so I could stay awake long enough to watch Lost, which I can't stand not watching on Wednesdays unless heavy drinking is involved.

It has never been consistently more difficult for me to wake up and get myself to the train for work in the morning, make the right choices about food and exercise, or even have the energy to converse with my husband when I get home in the evening. I'm just sacked out every night when I come home. And weirdly, while my body and soul is exhausted, it seems like my brain is still trying to catch up with the over-stimulation and excess information I was exposed to during the day, and my mind just keeps on a-truckin'.

Monday night I tried a yoga class in the City with my friend Deb after work. I haven't attended a yoga class in a long time. It kicked my ass. I was the only girl in child's pose the first time the instructor said we could choose to rest if we needed to or keep going. When I decided to join back in, the instructor asked me with concern in her eyes if I was okay. Sad.

Then, at the end, during the relaxation pose portion of the class, I just silently counted the seconds each inhalation and exhalation took me to make. After just a few inhalations, I drifted into glorious relaxation, and literally thought of nothing. I don't know how long this lasted - 5 minutes? 10? It felt like a whole night of sound sleeping. And I came out of this realizing that I need to find a way to turn off the anxiety, the stress, the worry at least for a few minutes a day if I'm going to survive. I've normally been pretty good about separating my work life from my non-work life. I hold off-hours and vacation days to be sacred, non-blackberry hours. And when I'm out of the office, my mind is on the present. Well, it used to be - but this environment is one I haven't encountered in the past, and I'm in need of a little extra something to help me get back on my game.

I'm thinking of trying a meditation class. Tibet House offers free ones on most Tuesday evenings. Thoughts? Suggestions? Recommendations?