RE: Giving back to myself

Well, hello there, dear reader (I'm probably being optimistic by thinking there's even one at this point).

I'm having an introspective moment. I've been MIA here, which I think is representative of what I've been working on since June or so. I've recently started reading a blog called Get Rich Slowly, and one of the keys to financial growth discussed there is "paying yourself first". Paying yourself first means considering saving to be as much of a priority (or more, if you have to) than your other monthly bills. Don't save whatever is left at the end of the month, but pay yourself first, and don't consider it optional. Make yourself as important as your other obligations, in other words.

This struck a chord with me. Although financially it makes a lot of sense, I thought I needed to pay myself first in time. And it's not easy, because many of you know I'm a very social person and I love spending time with my friends. But it always catches up with me later because I'm much better at saying "I'd love to" than saying "sorry, I can't make it." Hopefully, if you are a friend of mine and you're reading this you understand that this isn't a function of me wanting to see any of you less, but rather of wanting to be good to myself more, and unfortunately, time is finite.

I've been trying really hard recently to make time for myself, or at the very least, for the things I really want to spend my time on. Seeing friends when I am really up to it, and making time for myself and other pursuits more often than I usually do. Including sometimes when all I really want to do is sleep in, read a book, or stare into space.

This actually did start as a result of a financial need. After crunching some numbers and realizing that our monthly budget was very strained because of some recent family events, I made it a goal to not go out to dinner/ drinks after work at all during the month of September. Usually, I do this a two to four nights a week, so this was a kind of social fast for me.

I did pretty well with my goal - I only went out twice after work in all of September, and I have to say I was really happy with it. I didn't put much money into savings, as I had hoped, but I was able to save enough to get my husband a nice gift for his birthday and I also managed to stretch my personal spending allowance* between paychecks without any gaps where I literally had no personal funds left. This is rare for me.

One way I reached this goal was to think of creative ways to spend my time and connect with friends instead of making the usual plans. I bought a $40 3-session pilates package, (equal to or less than the cost of a typical night out for me). I held onto it and treated myself to a session when I found myself getting out of work on the early side with no responsibilities at home waiting for me. A few times, I met my friend who could get me into her YMCA with a guest pass and went swimming with her. From time to time, I took advantage of free community events. I trained for and ran the Tunnel to Towers 5K (without walking any of it!) at the end of September. A friend ran it with me, so I got to do something memorable with her, and I was able to set and meet a fitness goal, which was a big accomplishment for me.

So in the end, I got back more than money I needed to pay bills. It afforded me rare time home with my husband, and even rarer "me" time. I got more stuff done around home, got more rest, got more exercise, and got more quiet. I got to spend more time by myself than I remember in a long time. I truly enjoyed - no, needed - to do this for myself. It wass good for me to analyze the world from inside my own mind for a change, rather than always overhearing my life in conversations I have with other people.

I have a long way to go. I still find myself feeling stretched thin from time to time. But not on a daily basis, like I used to. Sometimes, I do feel that it's been a long time since I've seen some friends, and I regret that. I also have been putting in more hours at work lately, and I do have some health goals I haven't made much progress on, which I'd like to revisit. It's a tough balance for me to strike. I need to make more time to prepare meals and reduce my intake of unhealthy food. I haven't spent as much time at the gym as I'd like, and truly, my work schedule has been a huge obstacle to that, but I am hopeful it won't be now that a large project has been completed.

On the other hand, I should recognize some of the good things I've done for myself. It's October 23rd, and I realize I have continued to reserve more time for myself this month and to find less costly and more active ways to spend time with friends without even thinking about it. I have gone to the gym a couple of times (which is still infinitely more times than I exercised before August).

I have also made some time to do some volunteer work. I led a team that raised about $1,200 for breast cancer research and participated in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk in Prospect Park last weekend. I also recently joined the Friends of the Greenpoint Library group and I'm helping with a fundraising event for the library tomorrow. It's funny how soon after I started taking care of myself, I felt I now had enough time to do things for others. I don't just "have" more time - I made more time.

And the effect of all of this re-directed energy has been very uplifting. I usually feel very worn down by the pace of the city, the crowds, the garbage, the cost and quality of life, and the MTA. But I felt something while walking my dog tonight that I haven't remembered feeling in a while. "Life is good," I thought to myself. "I love this neighborhood. I love Autumn. I love the crisp air, the misty rain, and a quiet evening. I feel independent. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow." Simple things, but things I usually don't take time to appreciate. Unexpected dividends.

*My husband and I have a system where we each get a set amount of "our own" money from each paycheck deposited into personal checking accounts to spend on whatever - lunches out, bar nights, toys, whatever we want. That amount is the same every paycheck, regardless of any extra income either of us may get from overtime pay or miscellaneous windfalls. The rest of our money goes to joint accounts to pay bills, pay off debt, and build savings.

RE: Sharing

As I sit on my luxurious bed with my laptop and my neurotic dog, I am reflecting on a day that went 95% well. 5% of that was me being an hour late to work (so not cool), and this time it wasn't even the fault of the V train. It was the fault of me, my snooze button habit, and pure, unadulterated laziness.

The rest of the day went pretty well, though. I had a pretty productive day at work, once I finally got there. I had pleasant exchanges with co-workers. I got excited about a co-worker's comedy show and convinced some friends to come out with me on Saturday. I had a pretty good meeting with my nutritionist (lost 2.5 lbs in the past 2 weeks despite MANY nights out eating and drinking), and got some good feedback and advice to help keep me on the right track for the next couple of weeks. I then had a lovely dinner with Ashley, and I came home feeling happy and wanting to share.

Which reminds me of one of my original intents when I started this blog: "an opportunity to learn about my experience and share those learnings with others".

I think I've been a little too focused lately on the things I'm not doing right and the things I haven't accomplished. While there is some value to documenting things I aspire to, I also need to learn to spend more time focusing on the days like today, that are pretty OK, and thinking about what things made my day pretty OK, and what I contributed to that day's success. So that's what I learned today, and it feels great to put it out there.

Speaking of learning and sharing, indulge me while I gush for a hot minute. I discovered three pretty rad blogs last night, all written by one wise, super-cool and stylish mamacita from the very same neighborhood I call home. Here are some things from what I have decided to call The Tao of Bitch Cakes that I read last night and that stuck with me through the day today. Enjoy:

On motivation:

I remind myself that: This is it - I have one life. (Think about that, even if you're afraid to. You're here now, make the most of it!) How do I choose to spend it? Eating whatever and whenever I want but suffering by being fat, miserable and unhappy all the time?
I remind myself that: I wasted the most of 3 decades being very overweight, insecure and unhappy. That was such a waste of time!
I remind myself that: There are people who for whatever reason cannot walk, run, jump and play. They have no choice in that matter. But I am lucky enough to have a working body and I am going to use it.
I remind myself that: My body is mine. I make every choice that pertains to it. I have one body and I want to treat it right so it treats me right! I am in total control of my actions and ultimately my success.
I remind myself that: Nothing is guaranteed in life. Every day is truly a gift - and any one of them could very well be my last. I want to feel good about myself for the brief time I am part of this world.

So, my mental attitude - the way I think about things - has probably been the biggest and most important change, and is what helps to keep me motivated.

...So despite the fact that I occasionally revert to old habits I'm working to rid myself of, or make some not so stellar choices from time to time, I will never give up. Yes, there will be some bumps in the road. But I accept that. There is just no way I am trading my awesome new life for my crappy old one.

On style:

...you should always feel good about how you look when you leave your house - whether you're going to work, on a date, or just do do errands. I live this way, so I know it's true. But if you need more convincing, here are several reasons:

1. When you look good, you feel good.
2. Knowing you look good improves your mood and outlook.
3. You never know what that day has in store for you or who you might meet, or run into.
4. Looking good gives you a sense of confidence and self assurance.
5. And finally, seriously, why wouldn't you want to look good?

RE: The Year Behind and the Year Ahead

2008 was a pretty spectacular year. I think "Change" is definitely the word that best sums up the year for me, my family and my friends, and I'm only slightly referring to the Presidential Election. And I just have a hunch that 2009 is going to bring more change and I'm not nervous or scared. I'm really excited to see what is in store for me and my loved ones, for our Nation, and for my city.

In the past year, I have travelled through a lot of metaphorical peaks and valleys:

• losing (and re-gaining) over 10% of my weight
• moving to a new neighborhood and LOVING it
• then learning that it's super-polluted where I live and I need to drink filtered water
• but still LOVING it
• a beautiful and perfect wedding celebration with a man I am so blessed and proud to know and be loved by
• not to mention some amazing bridal showers, a fun-filled bachelorette party, some quality time with my favorite ladies on Earth, and
• how could I not mention my fabulous honeymoon in Maui??
• a loved one's battle with breast cancer and a couple of scares along the way
• the breaking and mending of some dear friends' hearts
• a reconciliation of sorts with an ex (and a new pal to boot)
• a new position at my job
• believing in who I voted for for the first time in my relatively short adult life
• a new and exciting relationship between two of my good friends (it started at my wedding!)
• an amazing beach vacation with my husband's family
• a period of mild depression
• the usual colds and flus, and one extraordinary and ill-timed stomach flu
• new hobbies (and a couple I have let fall by the wayside)
• mounting debt to a degree I have never before experienced

I'm sure I could think of many more, but my thoughts are spinning fast and I feel I need to move on.

Despite all of the ups and downs, the bumps and bruises, the victories and defeats, I've spent the last days of 2008 and first days of 2009 focusing on the things in my life that are truly great. It is so rare for people to stop in the moment and appreciate what they have. To quote one of my all-time favorite writers and people who have ever walked this Earth, Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is." Some of my favorite things about being me:

• my new husband
• my sweet, amazing, joyful dog
• a challenging job
• my new neighborhood in Brooklyn (OK, I've lived there almost a year now, but I love it)
• being surrounded by such a large group of amazing, amazing friends from many walks of life
• an expanded and loving family
• the days when I feel great about myself
• great music
• girl time
• living between 2 parks and in walking distance of one of the hippest neighborhoods in NYC (without having to pay enough rent to live there myself)
• good books
• delicious brunches with friends
• coffee and a magazine on the sofa with my husband and dog on a Sunday morning
• the willingness to learn, forgive, grow, laugh, and support
• a husband who cleans up after me and helps me remember my apartment keys when I leave for work in the morning, to take my medicine every day, and to pay the bills on time
• fun and games
• the Steelers, the Penguins, the Yankees, and Syracuse basketball (not necessarily in that order)

And now, I hate to call them resolutions, but here are some things I'd like to see improve for me in 2009. And it seems inaccurate to say I'm waiting for them to happen, because they pretty much all depend on my own action:

1. GET IN SHAPE. I've learned from my weight battle that I don't need to be a size 4, and I don't need to weigh less than 120 pounds, but I need to be healthier. And I know that when I practice healthy habits, I just feel better. I have more energy, my self-esteem is better, and yeah, it doesn't hurt for me to look hot in a bathing suit. I think if I just set out to be healthy and feel better, the rest will fall into place. Which leads me to number two...
   
2. MAKE MORE TIME FOR ME. Unfortunately, this means I need to make less time for my friends, and I already feel I don't have enough time to see my friends as it is. While I am so blessed to have so many people that I call not only friends, but really good, true, loyal friends, I haven't taken care of myself because I find it so hard to not say yes when I'm asked to do something. Because I truly WANT to spend that time with them, but it leaves me with very little time for me and my husband, and almost no time at all for me, me, me. Speaking of which...
   
3. KEEPING THE HONEYMOON ALIVE. All right, everyone stop thinking about SEX. I'm talking about making time and putting forth the effort to keep connected with my husband...making time for us to be alone together and maybe even to get out of the house together from time to time. Being thoughtful. Being patient. Communicating. Being a better partner and chipping in more at home. This hasn't been lacking, but I think there's always room for improvement, and it's too easy to become complacent and let our daily routines absorb us.
   
4. DEBT REDUCTION. I know there's very little chance of me being debt-free within a year (and I'm not even counting student loans in that, because I'm pretty sure my own unborn children will be in college before that happens). But I'd really like to see a big chunk of my debt go away and my credit score go up a bit. This is really important, because I want to be a grown-up, move to the burbs, buy a car and a house, and afford children in the next several years, and it all starts here, by simply paying some bills. I already did the hard part and found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. In comparison, should being frugal and responsible really be so hard??

Those are all pretty big ones, and of course, probably very similar to the goals a lot of people have for themselves. At this point, I don't expect to get it perfect in the next 12 months, but I want to get a good start.

Please share with me your ups and downs, your favorite things about being you, or what you want for 2009!

RE: The Best Things in Life Are (Almost) Free

Today was a really great day. I was reminded once again that even in our materialistic and overworked society, a little time and very little money can go a long way.

First, because of the current economy, it isn't considered prudent for my company to give out budgets to sponsor holiday parties. So, we improvised. One co-worker managed to get a whopping $50 of company money to sponsor a party for about 20 people...if you do the math, it is very impressive that she pulled something off that we all loved...a cookie swap. Every participant brought in 2-3 dozen cookies. Some people made them from scratch, some made them semi-homemade, and some people bought them from the store or their favorite bakery. We all gathered for about 45 minutes and sampled each other's cookies and shared recipes. The $50 went to supply decorative tins to every team member, and we each got to fill our tins with our favorites and bring them home. We got to enjoy a great time together and take something with us, and it cost the giant conglomerate I work for $50, and each of us just a few bucks and a little bit of our free time. The fact that all of these busy people were not only willing but excited to make that small effort and get together is something I have so rarely experienced in my short tenure in Corporate America.

After work, I met up with two of my old college pals, who each have birthdays during the holiday season when we will all be in different cities spending time with our respective families. So, we met up to have an inexpensive, vegan-friendly restaurant (Galaxy Global Eatery, E. 15th St. at Irving Place) and catch up with each other. I treated them to dinner, which was my birthday/ holiday gift to both of them.

One friend continued a Christmas tradition she has been carrying out for probably almost 10 years now, a little less time than I've known her. She gives each of her friends an inexpensive gift (less than $5, I might venture to say), and a very personal, very sincere card. I look forward to this every year. I have saved every letter she has ever written me, and I truly appreciate the thought that she puts into writing one for each of us.

The other friend is just a constant joy. She is that friend who loves to encourage us to experience things that have been positive in her own life. For example, she meets with one of our friends on an almost weekly basis, teaching her how to swim at the Y. A couple of years ago, she is the person that got me into yoga by practicing it with me once a week at one of our apartments and attending a great class at a local studio with me on the weekends. She has a way of helping us to find things to fill our lives that are not only enjoyable, but in most cases, actually good for us. And she always does it with a smile.

Well, it's time for me to sign off. Another of my life's simple pleasures is gently reminding me to make some time for it - my lovable pooch.

RE: Reflection and Renewal

So, some of my dear friends may remember two former blogs of mine which have recently completely disappeared from the blogosphere. It was an impulsive thing to do, but I'm glad I did it.

Between being newly married to a wonderful man; feeling the urge to become a better me, in ways superficial, spiritual, physical and professional; and being faced with opportunities and challenges to let go of past hurt and weakness and embrace the goodness of the present, I felt my former musings did not present the truth of my current self. I also felt they held the past in too public of a light, and while there is a time and a place for a fuller disclosure, perhaps those people I care most about do not appreciate not having a say in what is disclosed in my relations with them.

All that being said, I thought I could live without blogging. And then I turned to INCESSANTLY facebooking, which really provides more of an opportunity to tell the world about "me, me, me" in short, meaningless bursts, and less of an opportunity to learn about my experience and share those learnings with others. I partly hope this helps me wean myself from facebooking at least a little bit, and I partly hope that this serves to help me know myself in a more honest way and to document a young grown-up's life at the end of the beginning.

I'm not sure where this blog is going to go. I'm not sure if it will be regularly updated or meaningful in any way. I'm just giving it a shot.