Re: Turning It Off

Wow. I've reached an all-time low today with my job-related depression. You know it's really bad when you are actually looking forward to going to the dentist for a filling because it means you get to leave the office a little early.

The dentist went fine, by the way. If anyone has Aetna PPO dental insurance and needs a recommendation, just ask. I looooove my new dentist.

Anywho, work depression. On top of the widespread economic craptacularity the whole country is experiencing right now, I just happen to work for what the media has deemed possibly the most evil corporation in existence (I won't comment on my thoughts but my close friends can guess, I'm sure). So said evil company has to save a lot of money in the near future to make sure we don't look like we're wasting tax dollars.

A gigantic wave of layoffs (our company is calling this "de-selection") and re-structuring hit a department I interact with pretty hard recently, and my particular department is waiting with bated breath for our own re-org and leadership announcement in the next couple of weeks. The tension, anxiety, depression and apathy is pretty damn palpable around the industrially-carpeted hallways and cubicle paths I inhabit for about 50 hours a week. I don't interact with one professional at my office location that doesn't seem to have this in the back of their mind. The fear for our own jobs plus the external stress of the constant negative media barrage, plus having to interact and work with a bunch of other anxious and depressed folks is EXHAUSTING. And it's not just worrying about losing our jobs - but if we keep our jobs, how much more will they suck without some of the very capable and necessary teammates we are likely to lose?

At 8:45 PM this evening I had a cup of coffee so I could stay awake long enough to watch Lost, which I can't stand not watching on Wednesdays unless heavy drinking is involved.

It has never been consistently more difficult for me to wake up and get myself to the train for work in the morning, make the right choices about food and exercise, or even have the energy to converse with my husband when I get home in the evening. I'm just sacked out every night when I come home. And weirdly, while my body and soul is exhausted, it seems like my brain is still trying to catch up with the over-stimulation and excess information I was exposed to during the day, and my mind just keeps on a-truckin'.

Monday night I tried a yoga class in the City with my friend Deb after work. I haven't attended a yoga class in a long time. It kicked my ass. I was the only girl in child's pose the first time the instructor said we could choose to rest if we needed to or keep going. When I decided to join back in, the instructor asked me with concern in her eyes if I was okay. Sad.

Then, at the end, during the relaxation pose portion of the class, I just silently counted the seconds each inhalation and exhalation took me to make. After just a few inhalations, I drifted into glorious relaxation, and literally thought of nothing. I don't know how long this lasted - 5 minutes? 10? It felt like a whole night of sound sleeping. And I came out of this realizing that I need to find a way to turn off the anxiety, the stress, the worry at least for a few minutes a day if I'm going to survive. I've normally been pretty good about separating my work life from my non-work life. I hold off-hours and vacation days to be sacred, non-blackberry hours. And when I'm out of the office, my mind is on the present. Well, it used to be - but this environment is one I haven't encountered in the past, and I'm in need of a little extra something to help me get back on my game.

I'm thinking of trying a meditation class. Tibet House offers free ones on most Tuesday evenings. Thoughts? Suggestions? Recommendations?